I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
