Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Drake has all the answers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize