i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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