marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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