Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
