So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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