Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
