why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
