I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Pooping to opera.
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