you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
