Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
