College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize