So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
