dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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