Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
