Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
