she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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