I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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