she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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