so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
