made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
