i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
