ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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