I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
