Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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