No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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