lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
