I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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