I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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