my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So vagazzling was a success
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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