I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
