Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
