He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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