I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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