After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
