Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
