I want to have your abortion
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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