I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
