He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
