The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
