I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he thought i was a dude.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
