I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Randomize
