Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
