i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
