Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize