My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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