since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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