Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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