Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
