Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
