if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
