I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
