he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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