In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
