Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
