So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she told me i tasted like america
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
