Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
