you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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