FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize