So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
