I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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