FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
